Background

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Tires And Truffles



“Dad, did you have your tires rotated like I suggested?”


“No, haven’t gotten around to it yet.”


“If you don’t do it right away you’ll need to replace them in a few months. Les Schwab will rotate them for free if we promise to buy your next tire from them. Let’s go do it now.”


We piled into my RAV and headed to Les Schwab Tires. My dad was a professional mechanic, but I detest car maintenance and never look under the hood of my cars. The universe has decided to laugh at me by giving me a son who lives and breathes automobiles.


We pulled up to Les Schwab and I followed CJ as he strutted through the front door. This was his world and he was right at home. I felt like Sasquatch at Babies-R-Us. “We’re here to get our tires rotated,” CJ said to the fellow behind the counter. CJ reminded me so much of my late dad.


I looked around at the squad of mechanics, clad in overalls and changing tires in numerous stations, the shriek of their hydraulic tools punctuated by loud rock blaring from greasy speakers in the rafters. My nose twitched at the manly smell of rubber and grease, not an unpleasant smell and one I always associated with my dad.


We handed over the RAV’s keys and were directed to a waiting room. My car would be ready in thirty minutes. The windowless waiting area had a coffee pot with paper cups, a dozen plastic chairs and a flat screen TV. Three unshaven mechanics, tattoos peering out from beneath the cuffs of their overalls, were taking a break, swigging coffee while staring intensely at the screen. I managed to contain my laughter. They weren’t watching Top Gear or Pimp My Ride; they were tuned in to the Food Network and watching Barefoot Contessa.


CJ and I sat down and stared at freckle-nosed Ina Garten assembling ridiculously expensive lobster sandwiches for her rich friends in the Hamptons. Mrs. Chatterbox is a big fan of Barefoot Contessa and I must admit I’ve watched her program more times than I care to admit. Thanks to Mrs. Chatterbox, I’ve enjoyed many of Ina’s recipes—even though I think Ina’s quite full of herself, especially with her insistence on using only the finest ingredients, even if it means your kids can’t go to college because you’ve pilfered the college fund for extra, extra, extra virgin olive oil. I mean really, how virgin does olive oil or anything else need to be? My experience has always been that something is either virgin or it ain’t!


As Ina took a break from her immaculate kitchen for a quick trip to her local fishmonger (who she knows by name) to purchase fresh lobster meat (notice that she leaves without paying) I studied the mechanics whose eyes were riveted to the TV. They hardly looked like the type to watch the Food Network and I could only suppose the TV was broken and only received this channel.


I realized I was wrong when a mechanic with a skull and crossbones tattooed on his neck said, “You want that lobster to be fresh. It’s shit if it ain’t fresh.”


“How many tires you think we need to sell to pay for all that lobster? That stuff don’t come cheap,” said a dude with grease smeared on his forehead.


The third mechanic must have already seen this episode. He pulled a toothpick from his mouth and barked. “Shut the f*ck up. This is where she makes the aioli.”


“Aioli?” asked Skull & Crossbones.


“Yeah, fancy homemade mayonnaise. Steps up the flavor. Damn, that looks good.”


During a commercial break, three stomachs growl beneath overalls with as much harmony as The Three Tenors.


“What are we havin’ for lunch today?” the dude with the grease streak wondered out loud.


“We sure as hell ain’t having lobster sandwiches,” growled Toothpick.


Skull & Crossbones checked his watch and announced, “Break’s over. Back to work.”


“Hey, I got here late,” said Grease Streak. “I still got a few minutes left.”


Moments later only one mechanic remained, but another soon appeared, fingers darkened with grease. He nodded at me and CJ, dropped into a plastic chair and said to no one in particular, “Did I miss the part where she adds the truffle shavings to the aioli?”


On screen Ina reached for a three hundred dollar truffle. The mechanic who’d just arrived smiled and let out a sigh….

Blogger friends: I’ll be away from my computer for a few days. Mrs. Chatterbox and I are taking a trip to the southern Oregon coast. I hope everyone has a great week.

38 comments:

  1. Go easy on Ina. Yes she lives a privileged life and is able to buy only the best just outside New York in the East...but she does cook good and relatively easy food. Never saw the episode with truffles, but actually had shaved truffles on my pasta at a B &B in Italy and I only had to dip into one child's college savings...so there!

    ReplyDelete
  2. And all i ever get from my mechanics is a sports channel and great service. That's enough, though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's what you get for stereotyping. I don't watch any of those shows though. I have no idea what the difference between extra virgin and regular virgin oil would be. It always sounds bizarre. But maybe extra virgin means it's been virgin for a really really long time?

    ReplyDelete
  4. We must have went to the same tire shop. Pretty close to the same thing happened. Love it.

    Have a terrific day and enjoy your trip to the coast. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. It has occurred to me that Ina reminds me of Marie Antoinette. Her wealthy world is alien to me, might as well be Mars. Still, at least she smiles a lot. (But then, with her wealth, why shouldn't she?)
    Funny post. Have a good time on your trip.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lobster sandwiches, huh? I must be missing out on something good. Now, to make my bologna sandwich.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm impressed with the mechanics, I have no interst in cooking at all! Have a lovely break. I sure am. :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't know if what you are referring too is the same as Alioli however I must say I love Alioli. Have a safe and great trip!

    ReplyDelete
  9. that's a pretty funny scene you describe though it doesn't entirely shock me. my very athletic, sports-oriented teenage son loves to watch the food network. i asked why and he looked at me as if i had 3 heads, "mom, it's about FOOD!" everyone's gotta eat, huh?

    have a fun trip.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This was absolutely priceless. Thanks for your gifted eye and ear!

    If you haven't left yet, have a great time the Oregon Coast. Say hi to Florence for me if you should pass through!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Your observations made me laugh. Out loud. Several times.

    Enjoy your trip!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I had an old teaching buddy who used to use the word "contessa," though his context alluded to a different spelling.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Have a great trip. Discover some good places to eat as well!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I've never seen that show (don't have cable) and I don't think I could afford to--LOL! ;)
    Looks can be deceiving. I have discovered that myself many times. Have a great week! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ina reaches more than she probably ever realizes. What a fun story. Enjoy the trip!

    ReplyDelete
  16. OH my gosh- how your stories bring out my loud out loud laughter....my husband looks up now and says "So you're reading Chubby Chatterbox?" yep sez me- in between guffaws. I have been to Les Schwab many many times and this is priceless.
    My idea of fine sandwich cuisine is grilled Tillamook cheese with honey baked ham and freshly sliced tomatoes with French's mustard. So- if your sweet Mrs C are anywhere near Weed CA do give us a jingle and I'll make a few for you! ( I know that's a stretch- but the invites for real! )

    ReplyDelete
  17. Always interesting to see how another part of our society lives. Well told.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Great story! Ina is not my favorite food network star, my life is just too different from hers. I love it that the mechanics are hooked on her show though. Have a great time on your vacation!

    ReplyDelete
  19. This post is so true, I work for a tire company in New England and it is like that, the tire technicians do watch the family friendly TV shows, but the best is watching them watch cartoons.

    ReplyDelete
  20. He's right, you know. Aioli really does steps up the flavor of that shit.

    :-)

    Happy vacay! Don't forget to come back now!

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh, Ina is QUITE full of herself. Mrs. Penwasser and I stopped watching her after we learned she stiffed a charitable organization. So, essentially, F her. Before we stopped, we called her show "The Barefoot Rich White People." My goodness, she wouldn't know a regular person if her life depended on it (unless they were working in her yard). She and Jeffrey are the clueless entitled.
    Okay, a joke that MUST have been told many times: Why get your tires rotated? Don't they rotate all the time anyway?
    Finally, I'm really digging "A World Lit Only By Fire." What an effed up period of time! Sadly, I don't think we as a species have come all that far (just read the Philadelphia crime reports). Thankfully, we have indoor plumbing though.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Fresh lobster and truffles. yup, in my pantry all right

    ReplyDelete
  23. Have fun on your trip. It sounds like you'll be having fun.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Never heard of this bare foot Contessa but she clearly has it made, if she can get everything without paying. Oh, I know it would just slow down the show really :)

    I feel kind of sorry for those gourmets stuck in a car repair shop instead of Maxim's,

    Enjoy your trip!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Great story and I don't believe a word of it! :^}

    ReplyDelete
  26. My older son is a great fan of cooking shoes but I have to say I've never heard of this one. Sounds like a very amusing wait for your tires.

    Have a fun and safe trip!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I believe it. Favorite Young Man is an auto mechanic. His best friend is an auto mechanic. They work at the same place. Best Friend has a degree in business, and Favorite Young Man has three years of college. They had very high SAT scores and they love to read, and it's not vampire crap. They may have tats and they can fix the hell out of a car, but they also appreciate a fine wine and a good book and a good woman. Favorite Young Man has the largest vocabulary of anyone in our family.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  28. G'day CC. Great post. Hope you have a good few days away. Take care. Liz...

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ha! Funny post--though to be honest, I was sold at "Sasquatch at Babies-R-Us", so the rest of it was just bonus ;)

    ReplyDelete
  30. I love unexpected conversations. Enjoy your trip and don't miss The Dunes.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Safe trip, I hope to one day visit Oregon :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. i love her and am not surprised at her wide appeal--great post :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. My mother loves Barefoot Contessa, although Idon't really think she broadcasts without wearing shoes! :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. I think many of us have watched a cooking show or two before the Food Channel settled into TV land. Graham Kerr of 'The Galloping Gourmet', Jeff Smith of 'The Frugal Gourmet', 'Pasquale's Kitchen Express' and Julia Childs to name a few.

    I guess the old saying: "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" still applies... mechanic or other.

    ReplyDelete
  35. haha..I love how she fusses for her husband.
    hope you are having a fun time...lucky you!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Wonderful stuff, and more than a smidgen of truth. I've spent a goodly amount of my life in both worlds. Neither is without its charms.

    Have a great vacation!

    ReplyDelete